Ombak Pemodenan Melanda Cinta Selamanya

I did a bad job of waking up today, like most days. Driven by the complacency from the number of hours I always presume to possess.

So today I was unproductive again, in one sense. Played a lot of Stardew Valley. The nature of my addiction is easy enough to parse; I'm hooked on the more immediate sense of gratification this virtual farming sim gives me.

Not only that, but the gratification also is not that immediate. It rewards patience, adherence to mundane routines, discipline, but within a shorter span of time. All of the things I can't possibly muster in my condition.

My condition is exaggerated, of course. Aku bukanlah terseksa atau kebuluran. Sebenarnya, aku malas.

Despite all of that I still did a lot of cool things today. Made myself Kari Salman. Continued on my conversations with Claudia, although I'm starting to feel that it's more one-sided. Everyone's got their priorities straight except me.

I've been thinking about my time here in London. My lack of effort, really, in finding jobs and a direction just so I can stay here. It's a lie I tell myself, that all I need is the right context, and I will be pushed into motivation.

What's the point of questioning if free will for the sake of imbecilic sophistication just so I could tell myself over and over again not to do anything.

Aku sepatutnya melawan sistem, bukan menjadi hamba nafsu dan naluri.

Aku pun sekarang ketagih Cherdleys. Asalnya, aku tertarik dengan manusia-manusia yang ada dalam video-video channel itu - kebanyakannya dari segi seksual. Kemudian aku sedar yang aku juga tertarik dengan hidup dan personaliti mereka.

Ni semua sebab rindu kawan-kawan yang aku bernasib baik boleh jumpa di sini. Otak aku mahu mencipta satu "simulation" untuk aku berteduh.

This weekend I can't bum off anymore. I'll do better.

The small steps matter, too, I guess.