Aku Penat

Hi, Self.

Hari ini hari ke-?? aku kuarantin. Ketika awal pagi, aku terima markah untuk esei aku bagi subjek Music Business. Lowest score I've ever gotten in the duration of my Masters. I misunderstood the purpose of the assignment, but gave up on fixing it because I was more inclined on sending it. Getting it over with. My lecturer, Caspar, was very gratuitous and encouraging in his comments and would like to see me finish my thoughts on the importance of record store in the current Malaysian (specifically, Greater Kuala Lumpur) music scene.

I was disappointed with myself for a while but the daily routines I follow eventually washed over all of those feelings. I guess I'm supposed to feel motivated, tetapi aku rasa lebih pasrah dengan realiti.

'Realiti' bagi aku merupakan satu alasan. Hidup yang singkat tidak sepatutnya diisi dengan benda remeh seperti gred atau hubungan aku sesama manusia. 'Realiti' adalah hakikat hidupku yang Satu. Sesuatu yang aku cuba penuhi dengan media, seakan dadah yang membuatkan aku menjelajahi perspektif manusia lain supaya aku tidak rasa terperangkap dengan perspektif aku sendiri.

Kadang-kala, aku pijak balik ke bumi nyata - masyarakat konstruk, fana yang menjadi matlamat bagi semua manusia yang mencari kerjaya yang stabil supaya mereka boleh Makan.

I guess I have to do that soon. Deadlines are coming up.

Anyway, watched Stuck In Love today. Horribly cheesy movie, but it's great to have people on-screen living lives with momentary conflict, with resolution, so I don't feel so alone.

Aku tulis lagu dalam imaginasi aku sebelum aku tidur semalam. I called it 'BS Made of Glass'. Aku ingat nak judulkan post ini dengan tajuk tersebut, tapi aku tak tersebut.

Hari ini aku rasa kurang carca-marba. Aku dapat fokus.

Aku kena fokus.

Terpaksa.

I have to.

So I can stop depending on people I don't want to depend on and go back to 'enriching' my life with other people's 'stories' again.

These eyes are mine and mine alone, but I have to feed them with things more than distractions to keepp them seeing.

Aku penat.