Just Submit The Damn Thing

Yesterday, I felt triumph for a brief moment. It was due to my finishing a press release I have agreed to work on a couple of days ago. I'm trying my best to hold on to those feelings so that I crave it in my other 4 unfinished essays. Last term I knew that this term was going to be busy, yet I'm still treating it like I have all the time in the world. Like an essay that I can just conjure out of thin air even though I know it requires months of research to fully internalise the things I have to write.

Sure, maybe I didn't do that either with my essays last term and I scored pretty decently, but it sure as hell is going to be more difficult to wing 5 essays in comparison to two. Goddammit, I only had two essays to write last term that is nuts.

Anyway, tomorrow is when the hardwork starts. The only way I know how; scheduling all of the things I'm not supposed to be doing when there's only a week left before deadlines in between my short writing stints and cramming everything in the last minute anyway. I'm trying to compress that timeframe into every weekday, so that I do a shit ton of productive stuff. My thought process goes like this: if I panic everyday I get more done.

Instilling the panic is hard.

Today, one of my favourite YouTubers, Brian Jordan Alvarez (whom I've suspected but now have confirmed knowledge is a multi-talented genius) was riffing on on one of his 'formless chats'. He brought up journalling, and how you're trying to grasp at every memory before it fades away because even the most beautiful things tend to get misremembered. There's also the excitement of putting everything down ON SOMETHING (paper, blog, social media statutes, well not InstaStories because they eventually disappear) while it's still fresh.

Putting my mind to that now. Nothing much happened today. Wondered while I washing the dishes and the red soap started bubbling up in the washing dish tray whether I should reconfirm with Claudia, just so you know I really like her. Would that be too early to say openly even though there have been hints and compliments and flirtatious overtones throughout? If I say it too early will it mean even less the longer we have to be in this Covid-19 lockdown, because I'd have to spend more time giving her something to look forward to?

Will I even be around? Is the supervolcano in Yellowstone going to erupt this year?

I don't know.

SciShow released a video today about 4 Things That Are Evolving In Humans Right Now. Pretty cool stuff. Some of them include resistance to arsenic poisoning that some indigenous Andean populations have developed, others include the increasing of average height (with nutrition taken into consideration of course), human alleles changing against the development of Alzheimers in future human generations (which, if the trends continue, is good news) and I think one more was our ability to drink milk. Have to watch that again.

I realise this journalling thing - back when I did it in my early years of college - was also supposed to be a documentation of the things I learned. All of the videos I watch, the articles I read, the books I peruse, those things shouldn't fade away. They should be written down, memorised by the forces of muscle movements subconsciously associating and dissociating raw facts with action. Raw information, sorry.

But, as you can tell from all of the stupid posts I've been posting recently (well, not stupid, maybe 'formless (formless is slowly becoming my new favourite word), I've been more inclined to document emotions and experiences that are not just data - that are automatistic manifestations of myself and the things I feel. Ugh so stupid.

I had other thoughts.

Oh, several years down the line since I've first thought of it, I still think human beings are the coolest in spite of everything because we can leave legacies beyond genetic codes. From scientific knowledge to viral videos.

Hopefully, we all stick around. Anyway, wish me luck, Journal (not sure whether to anthropomorphise this blog yet).

Wait A Minute

A shard of glass stuck in between your wrist bone, you stop for a moment to consider the pain of everything you felt when you were 17. Leaving an old world for a new one, inviting friends over to a chapter you never thought possible because of all of the times you wished you were gone. But now you're here. Enclosed by the notion of infinite possibilities brought to you by the kind people of Nokia. The corporate heads who marketed your phone to you that now plays music for your solitude in the modes of indie rock or classic folk songs. You know, now once and for all, that this is not the time for you, or anyone else that you love, to die.

That alone is enough

Ombak Pemodenan Melanda Cinta Selamanya

I did a bad job of waking up today, like most days. Driven by the complacency from the number of hours I always presume to possess.

So today I was unproductive again, in one sense. Played a lot of Stardew Valley. The nature of my addiction is easy enough to parse; I'm hooked on the more immediate sense of gratification this virtual farming sim gives me.

Not only that, but the gratification also is not that immediate. It rewards patience, adherence to mundane routines, discipline, but within a shorter span of time. All of the things I can't possibly muster in my condition.

My condition is exaggerated, of course. Aku bukanlah terseksa atau kebuluran. Sebenarnya, aku malas.

Despite all of that I still did a lot of cool things today. Made myself Kari Salman. Continued on my conversations with Claudia, although I'm starting to feel that it's more one-sided. Everyone's got their priorities straight except me.

I've been thinking about my time here in London. My lack of effort, really, in finding jobs and a direction just so I can stay here. It's a lie I tell myself, that all I need is the right context, and I will be pushed into motivation.

What's the point of questioning if free will for the sake of imbecilic sophistication just so I could tell myself over and over again not to do anything.

Aku sepatutnya melawan sistem, bukan menjadi hamba nafsu dan naluri.

Aku pun sekarang ketagih Cherdleys. Asalnya, aku tertarik dengan manusia-manusia yang ada dalam video-video channel itu - kebanyakannya dari segi seksual. Kemudian aku sedar yang aku juga tertarik dengan hidup dan personaliti mereka.

Ni semua sebab rindu kawan-kawan yang aku bernasib baik boleh jumpa di sini. Otak aku mahu mencipta satu "simulation" untuk aku berteduh.

This weekend I can't bum off anymore. I'll do better.

The small steps matter, too, I guess.

Sans Meaning

Scared off the possibility,
I might be alone, in my sickness,
Lost in a dream,
A dream,
A dream

A dream,
I dreamed of you.

In full view you go and mess with my aching decision to run,
Bought all the groceries for the house,
I'm done,
With playing
Cowboys and cowgirls,
With me, in the crosshair

I've told you countless of times before we craved,
The next episode, the next new wave,
We lost
We lost
It all to the ages.

Don't count to three, I am far away from you, six feet to the left,
Six times I've been used,
By an advertising agency,
To run a test for me,
Run my test ahead.

I know what I'm doing is good, I'm just bad at doing it.

I' know what I'm doing is half-hearted

Later, we control the silence, just keep turning the knob, the neighbours won't hear

I'm not gonna call porn virtual affection anytime soon, just for the sake of a song.

I went out today for two hours. The longest I've been out. Also sweating under my jacket. It's Springtime now. No need for jackets.

Guy at the counter looked at me weird for buying lube.

Promised myself I'd do work today, but dilly-dallied as always.

At least I've opened the other proposal for reference. I know what I plan to do. I just need to decide how to actualise it in the real world.

Stupidly took a job from JIN. I can do it. I have time. I need money. Also I need to feel like I'm an adullt again. Not some dawdling student with no life plans.

Going to sleep at a reasonable time tonight so I will wake up at a reasonable hour to do work.

Asquereso (Disgusting)

Way beyond the sun's routine,
Is a man with a promise to the world,
And a fist-clenched, fingers-curled,
But no more,
Does it all fade,
Into cellulite.

Into cellulite

Where do we go when we don't know,
The content overflows,
Like a bastard in the throes,
Of a magician
Telling stories.

Telling stories.

Tonight I seek your attention deficit,
Something more than just a dance,
Inside my calmy, little hands,
When I awoke your sense of doubt,
Post-calling-me-a-lout,
I'm not allowed.

To see you.

These quiet walls are quite rearview material

I don't intend on looking back but it's true.


To some degree,
To some a lot of masters,
Choosing modern slavery,
So the options are asunder, but they're there
Like the thought of starting over,
Free will and free hors d'oeuvres,

What's not to like

Like you.

Lambat Lah Kau

Dah pukul 4 pagi,
Kau masih di sini
Tak nak tidur sampai kerja siap,
Padahal kerja tak siap pun,
Siapa suruh pentingkan benda lain dulu,
Kenapa kau macam ni,
Bukan dulu kau belajar macam mana nak pilih ke?
Ke kau liat tengok semua orang memilih haluan kehidupan mereka, jadi engkau tak mahu memilih langsung?
Tidak memilih pun kira memilih juga,,
Kau tak boleh menang

A List of Things to Squeeze In Between (Non-Existent) Hours

Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Call mum.



I had a mild panic attack today. Kickstarted by my running out of eggs. Eventually I found a shop that delivers them. I've adopted my mum's paranoia, and refused to go to the store unless I can't help it. I mocked her for so long, but I've internalised her constant reprimand. I don't think I'll be going to parks any longer.

Anyway today was the most productive day of all time. But the other reason why I had the mild panic attack was because I thought about cutting off one of my interests from my schedule so that I can make time for things that actually matter to me.

Everything matters to me.

Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Chat Do.

I hoard experiences. Funny, for a man dengan dinding yang kosong, satu gambar pun takdak. Gambar-gambar poskad hasil seni yang hang dapat dari muzium kat Vienna je jadi teman.

Experiences, pengalaman dalam kepala. Kau nak borak pasal movie, muzik, buku, meme, semua benda kau nak tahu. Kau sumbat. Sumbat semua. Tak nak buat apa-apa yang bermanfaat dalam hidup kau, kau tukang telan je. TELAN.

TELAN.

TELAN.

Esok kau muntah balik tengok siapa yang suka. Siapa suka gelak/tak gelak/marah/gelisah