Ombak Pemodenan Melanda Cinta Selamanya

I did a bad job of waking up today, like most days. Driven by the complacency from the number of hours I always presume to possess.

So today I was unproductive again, in one sense. Played a lot of Stardew Valley. The nature of my addiction is easy enough to parse; I'm hooked on the more immediate sense of gratification this virtual farming sim gives me.

Not only that, but the gratification also is not that immediate. It rewards patience, adherence to mundane routines, discipline, but within a shorter span of time. All of the things I can't possibly muster in my condition.

My condition is exaggerated, of course. Aku bukanlah terseksa atau kebuluran. Sebenarnya, aku malas.

Despite all of that I still did a lot of cool things today. Made myself Kari Salman. Continued on my conversations with Claudia, although I'm starting to feel that it's more one-sided. Everyone's got their priorities straight except me.

I've been thinking about my time here in London. My lack of effort, really, in finding jobs and a direction just so I can stay here. It's a lie I tell myself, that all I need is the right context, and I will be pushed into motivation.

What's the point of questioning if free will for the sake of imbecilic sophistication just so I could tell myself over and over again not to do anything.

Aku sepatutnya melawan sistem, bukan menjadi hamba nafsu dan naluri.

Aku pun sekarang ketagih Cherdleys. Asalnya, aku tertarik dengan manusia-manusia yang ada dalam video-video channel itu - kebanyakannya dari segi seksual. Kemudian aku sedar yang aku juga tertarik dengan hidup dan personaliti mereka.

Ni semua sebab rindu kawan-kawan yang aku bernasib baik boleh jumpa di sini. Otak aku mahu mencipta satu "simulation" untuk aku berteduh.

This weekend I can't bum off anymore. I'll do better.

The small steps matter, too, I guess.

Sans Meaning

Scared off the possibility,
I might be alone, in my sickness,
Lost in a dream,
A dream,
A dream

A dream,
I dreamed of you.

In full view you go and mess with my aching decision to run,
Bought all the groceries for the house,
I'm done,
With playing
Cowboys and cowgirls,
With me, in the crosshair

I've told you countless of times before we craved,
The next episode, the next new wave,
We lost
We lost
It all to the ages.

Don't count to three, I am far away from you, six feet to the left,
Six times I've been used,
By an advertising agency,
To run a test for me,
Run my test ahead.

I know what I'm doing is good, I'm just bad at doing it.

I' know what I'm doing is half-hearted

Later, we control the silence, just keep turning the knob, the neighbours won't hear

I'm not gonna call porn virtual affection anytime soon, just for the sake of a song.

I went out today for two hours. The longest I've been out. Also sweating under my jacket. It's Springtime now. No need for jackets.

Guy at the counter looked at me weird for buying lube.

Promised myself I'd do work today, but dilly-dallied as always.

At least I've opened the other proposal for reference. I know what I plan to do. I just need to decide how to actualise it in the real world.

Stupidly took a job from JIN. I can do it. I have time. I need money. Also I need to feel like I'm an adullt again. Not some dawdling student with no life plans.

Going to sleep at a reasonable time tonight so I will wake up at a reasonable hour to do work.

Asquereso (Disgusting)

Way beyond the sun's routine,
Is a man with a promise to the world,
And a fist-clenched, fingers-curled,
But no more,
Does it all fade,
Into cellulite.

Into cellulite

Where do we go when we don't know,
The content overflows,
Like a bastard in the throes,
Of a magician
Telling stories.

Telling stories.

Tonight I seek your attention deficit,
Something more than just a dance,
Inside my calmy, little hands,
When I awoke your sense of doubt,
Post-calling-me-a-lout,
I'm not allowed.

To see you.

These quiet walls are quite rearview material

I don't intend on looking back but it's true.


To some degree,
To some a lot of masters,
Choosing modern slavery,
So the options are asunder, but they're there
Like the thought of starting over,
Free will and free hors d'oeuvres,

What's not to like

Like you.

Lambat Lah Kau

Dah pukul 4 pagi,
Kau masih di sini
Tak nak tidur sampai kerja siap,
Padahal kerja tak siap pun,
Siapa suruh pentingkan benda lain dulu,
Kenapa kau macam ni,
Bukan dulu kau belajar macam mana nak pilih ke?
Ke kau liat tengok semua orang memilih haluan kehidupan mereka, jadi engkau tak mahu memilih langsung?
Tidak memilih pun kira memilih juga,,
Kau tak boleh menang

A List of Things to Squeeze In Between (Non-Existent) Hours

Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Call mum.



I had a mild panic attack today. Kickstarted by my running out of eggs. Eventually I found a shop that delivers them. I've adopted my mum's paranoia, and refused to go to the store unless I can't help it. I mocked her for so long, but I've internalised her constant reprimand. I don't think I'll be going to parks any longer.

Anyway today was the most productive day of all time. But the other reason why I had the mild panic attack was because I thought about cutting off one of my interests from my schedule so that I can make time for things that actually matter to me.

Everything matters to me.

Chat. Do. Chat. Do. Chat Do.

I hoard experiences. Funny, for a man dengan dinding yang kosong, satu gambar pun takdak. Gambar-gambar poskad hasil seni yang hang dapat dari muzium kat Vienna je jadi teman.

Experiences, pengalaman dalam kepala. Kau nak borak pasal movie, muzik, buku, meme, semua benda kau nak tahu. Kau sumbat. Sumbat semua. Tak nak buat apa-apa yang bermanfaat dalam hidup kau, kau tukang telan je. TELAN.

TELAN.

TELAN.

Esok kau muntah balik tengok siapa yang suka. Siapa suka gelak/tak gelak/marah/gelisah

Mein Geliebte

The most life-changing thing that happened to me today was a movie called Jojo Rabbit.

I wrote about my thoughts on it (the ones I could pen/type onto an Instagram post without feeling like I'm copy-pasting even though I bet my thoughts weren't original at all). So this post isn't going to be about that.

As of now, I'm in regular conversation with my something I"ve taken a fancy for, Claudia Fricker.

I think due to the conflicting schedules of our lives, even in this time of quarantine, it has prevented us from really talking as frequently as we should. But I feel like when we do, our conversations have been easy. I don't know whether it's a crush, but her offers of teaching me how to ride a bicycle in the park and frollicking around int he summer have been symptomatic of that feeling.

Eee, symptomatic.

Anyway, went off routine again today. Couldn't get myself out of bed early enough so I didn't get to do an all-day gaming session that I planned before. Planning to squeeze in a couple of hours anyway before I sleep. Tomorrow will be Music Day, as in I'll be writing reviews for all of the tracks I've promised myself to write reviews for.

Aku sedar aku suka putar belit. Percakapan aku menunjukkan satu sifat kucar-kacir. Aku suka roller-coaster minda dengan harapan yang dalam kekecohan perbualan ada momen-momen ketenangan, walhal hikmah.

Namun, akademia memaksakan aku menjadi lebih tulus dan jujur.

Mabuk.

Tak mampu lagi menulis.

Hari ini cukup memuaskan.

Aku Penat

Hi, Self.

Hari ini hari ke-?? aku kuarantin. Ketika awal pagi, aku terima markah untuk esei aku bagi subjek Music Business. Lowest score I've ever gotten in the duration of my Masters. I misunderstood the purpose of the assignment, but gave up on fixing it because I was more inclined on sending it. Getting it over with. My lecturer, Caspar, was very gratuitous and encouraging in his comments and would like to see me finish my thoughts on the importance of record store in the current Malaysian (specifically, Greater Kuala Lumpur) music scene.

I was disappointed with myself for a while but the daily routines I follow eventually washed over all of those feelings. I guess I'm supposed to feel motivated, tetapi aku rasa lebih pasrah dengan realiti.

'Realiti' bagi aku merupakan satu alasan. Hidup yang singkat tidak sepatutnya diisi dengan benda remeh seperti gred atau hubungan aku sesama manusia. 'Realiti' adalah hakikat hidupku yang Satu. Sesuatu yang aku cuba penuhi dengan media, seakan dadah yang membuatkan aku menjelajahi perspektif manusia lain supaya aku tidak rasa terperangkap dengan perspektif aku sendiri.

Kadang-kala, aku pijak balik ke bumi nyata - masyarakat konstruk, fana yang menjadi matlamat bagi semua manusia yang mencari kerjaya yang stabil supaya mereka boleh Makan.

I guess I have to do that soon. Deadlines are coming up.

Anyway, watched Stuck In Love today. Horribly cheesy movie, but it's great to have people on-screen living lives with momentary conflict, with resolution, so I don't feel so alone.

Aku tulis lagu dalam imaginasi aku sebelum aku tidur semalam. I called it 'BS Made of Glass'. Aku ingat nak judulkan post ini dengan tajuk tersebut, tapi aku tak tersebut.

Hari ini aku rasa kurang carca-marba. Aku dapat fokus.

Aku kena fokus.

Terpaksa.

I have to.

So I can stop depending on people I don't want to depend on and go back to 'enriching' my life with other people's 'stories' again.

These eyes are mine and mine alone, but I have to feed them with things more than distractions to keepp them seeing.

Aku penat.