Mein Geliebte

The most life-changing thing that happened to me today was a movie called Jojo Rabbit.

I wrote about my thoughts on it (the ones I could pen/type onto an Instagram post without feeling like I'm copy-pasting even though I bet my thoughts weren't original at all). So this post isn't going to be about that.

As of now, I'm in regular conversation with my something I"ve taken a fancy for, Claudia Fricker.

I think due to the conflicting schedules of our lives, even in this time of quarantine, it has prevented us from really talking as frequently as we should. But I feel like when we do, our conversations have been easy. I don't know whether it's a crush, but her offers of teaching me how to ride a bicycle in the park and frollicking around int he summer have been symptomatic of that feeling.

Eee, symptomatic.

Anyway, went off routine again today. Couldn't get myself out of bed early enough so I didn't get to do an all-day gaming session that I planned before. Planning to squeeze in a couple of hours anyway before I sleep. Tomorrow will be Music Day, as in I'll be writing reviews for all of the tracks I've promised myself to write reviews for.

Aku sedar aku suka putar belit. Percakapan aku menunjukkan satu sifat kucar-kacir. Aku suka roller-coaster minda dengan harapan yang dalam kekecohan perbualan ada momen-momen ketenangan, walhal hikmah.

Namun, akademia memaksakan aku menjadi lebih tulus dan jujur.

Mabuk.

Tak mampu lagi menulis.

Hari ini cukup memuaskan.

Aku Penat

Hi, Self.

Hari ini hari ke-?? aku kuarantin. Ketika awal pagi, aku terima markah untuk esei aku bagi subjek Music Business. Lowest score I've ever gotten in the duration of my Masters. I misunderstood the purpose of the assignment, but gave up on fixing it because I was more inclined on sending it. Getting it over with. My lecturer, Caspar, was very gratuitous and encouraging in his comments and would like to see me finish my thoughts on the importance of record store in the current Malaysian (specifically, Greater Kuala Lumpur) music scene.

I was disappointed with myself for a while but the daily routines I follow eventually washed over all of those feelings. I guess I'm supposed to feel motivated, tetapi aku rasa lebih pasrah dengan realiti.

'Realiti' bagi aku merupakan satu alasan. Hidup yang singkat tidak sepatutnya diisi dengan benda remeh seperti gred atau hubungan aku sesama manusia. 'Realiti' adalah hakikat hidupku yang Satu. Sesuatu yang aku cuba penuhi dengan media, seakan dadah yang membuatkan aku menjelajahi perspektif manusia lain supaya aku tidak rasa terperangkap dengan perspektif aku sendiri.

Kadang-kala, aku pijak balik ke bumi nyata - masyarakat konstruk, fana yang menjadi matlamat bagi semua manusia yang mencari kerjaya yang stabil supaya mereka boleh Makan.

I guess I have to do that soon. Deadlines are coming up.

Anyway, watched Stuck In Love today. Horribly cheesy movie, but it's great to have people on-screen living lives with momentary conflict, with resolution, so I don't feel so alone.

Aku tulis lagu dalam imaginasi aku sebelum aku tidur semalam. I called it 'BS Made of Glass'. Aku ingat nak judulkan post ini dengan tajuk tersebut, tapi aku tak tersebut.

Hari ini aku rasa kurang carca-marba. Aku dapat fokus.

Aku kena fokus.

Terpaksa.

I have to.

So I can stop depending on people I don't want to depend on and go back to 'enriching' my life with other people's 'stories' again.

These eyes are mine and mine alone, but I have to feed them with things more than distractions to keepp them seeing.

Aku penat.

Ee

HARI PERTAMA MENULIS (PRIMER DIA DE ESCRITURA)

Had a blanket day today. Can't seem to get up for most of sun-light. Following this new circle system so that I can get my life in order, scheduling all the fun times and the not-so-fun-times in a way that progresses like a wheel within a wheel within a wheel. Like my own exercise wheel, but I'm a rat with a mission(s).

Today the number of covid-19 cases have officially surpassed the 1 million mark. Of course, this doesn't mean the numbers are accurate considering that some countries might underreport and the numbers only tell the story of those who are tested, when there are a whole slew of people who have not even gotten close to accessing the proper facilities.

I'm regurgitating the news. It's my idea of a diary now. My daily reports on life. Just an idea so far. I've only started doing this today. I'm trying to decide whether to make this a more orderly endeavour, where my deftness in writing is put to the test. Where I sharpen my wit, lengthen my prose, nay, deepen it. Figure out the music to my madness. Or (notice how the way this whole paragraph is formed is already butchered by the number of sentences I've put after a sentence considering the word 'whether'), just a platter of streams-of-consciousness. A petri dish of muck.

I realised recently that how I've lived life straddle this line of order and chaos. Yuck. That's hackneyed.

(I know how to change my language settings to stop correcting my British English spellings into American English but I choose not to. I like the thought of a bunch of code scolding me for not sticking to my mythical American roots. The roots I've cultivated over a long period of Hollywoodization and MTV-ization as a child and as an unwitting adolescent.

I'm not going to be particular about grammar in these things that's for sure. Sometimes, neither spelling. I might even entertain the idea of using these blog posts as a way for me to actually improve on the languages I'm learning or polishing my Malay mother tongue.

Polishing a tongue sounds like a painful act.

Anyway, asyik asyik cakap Bahasa Inggeris je bosan lah.

I've stopped talking about my day, ya allah, mari kita kembali ke haluan asal.

Aku sekarang tengah tengok episode ke-5 siri Critical Role. Aku rasa dinamik mereka sebagai satu kempen D&D sangat menghiburkan. Mungkin kerana mereka semua kawan dan selesa bersama. Walaupun begitu, kadang-kadang aku terfikir jugak barangkali mereka semua sedang berlakon. Aku asyik terpandang Marisha Ray, tapi tertarik balik kepada Laura Bailey.

Semua tumbuhan-tumbuhan aku masih hidup, malah segar. Tahap kewarasan aku belum sampai situasi yang mendorong aku berbual dengan mereka. Mereka? Ia?

Aku makan agak lambat hari ini. Pukul 4. Roti bakar dengan Nutella yang aku sediakan pada pukul 11:30 dah lama hilang daripada zon kekenyangan usus aku.

Buat Duolingo pun lambat. Semakin lama semakin lambat. Hari ini salah satu daripada komposer dan penyanyi band Fountains of Wayne meninggal. Adam Schlesinger. Kat Instagram aku terletak gambar Chris Collingwood. Lalai. Malas nak baiki.

Aku rasa aku nak belajar fasih dalam Bahasa Sepanyol dulu. Kebanyakan daripada bahasa-bahasa yang aku pilih untuk belajar dari Duolingo ialah bahasa-bahasa bekas penjajah Tanah Melayu/Malaya/yang macam jantung pisang tertonjol dari benua Asia Tenggara. Mungkin aku benci diri sendiri, asal-usul aku, mungkin aku tengok terlalu banyak anime dan Narcos.

Makan makanan semalam. Sedap sangat Sambal Terasi yang aku masak dengan udang semalam. Dah habis. Aku letak terlalu banyak sampai perut aku rasa nak meletup daripada kepedasan. Semalam suffer bro. Muy mal.

Hmm.

Perlukah blog ni terperinci sangat? Khusus sangat? Abang Bront text aku hari ini. Aku takdak emosi. Dulu sebenanrnya aku malas (sekarang pun sama), tapi pandai berlakon rajin. Berlakon rajin tu satu skil. Kemahiran hidup.

Tapi aku rasa semua benda aku buat tak ikhlas sebab aku takde disiplin.

Adui emo lah pulak.

Makin lama aku tulis dalam Bahasa Melayu makin aku tak nak cakap bahasa inggeris.

Por que? Yo no necesito habla idioma de conquistador

Tak perlu terperinci kot. Anyway it's 1 o'clock. Thinking of going to Tesco really early in the morning tomorrow. Hopefully there are eggs on the shelves. Sending out positive energy here, Universe. I don't pray anymore, I only work in energies.

Shalom. Salam 1 Milky Way.

Athena

Lost in a prudish city,
Caught me with my eyes upon the ground,
You mind your business like the fealty,
Droning on about the latest frowns and furls, in this chilly world.

The air, comforts you with snow
Vapor wishing well your health from long ago,
You're here to do degrees, inside an igloo,
Of control, we're too flamboyant,
For the morning people,
Craving for a soul.


Going to nightclubs,
In your traditional wear,
Caging the silence,
Of those who stare.
Urgently we hold hands,
To the rollercoaster railings, of a happy hour,
Losing power, to alcoholic fate.


Human simulation is just wishing that all your dreams come true,
In a way doesn't disappoint, like a writer wills a world,
To comfort his failings,
Sharkboy and lava girl.

"I'm taken, so this has to be heartless"
Wisdom of a nihilistic enchantress,
I choose to live inside,
My fiction tonight,
As it crushes my night in real darkness.

A full name is not given,
It's the parentless god, wishing to be a mystery,
Only leaving lipstick marks on history,
Don't mind me,
I just miss the mist,
Laced with bad EDM when walking through the park
At 5 AM.

Bring out your flowy sleeves,
You ask me when I'm going to leave,
The plane is landing on the sidewalk,
Of your whimsical daydream,
Acknowledging the facts are true,
You're a fantasy for a summertime in June.

Fake

I grew up in a world obsessed with being real,

Trying to make it my every priority,
When it's barely my ordeal,
They ask me "Girl what is the foundation of your being,
Surely not the foundation you're wearing,
Here found on your facial features,
Is your actual self,

Stop lying and deceiving other people who want to see,
Their future in you,
With your lipstick puckered,
And your mascara uncovered
Also,
It looks more natural too"


Well I'm sorry,

That I wasn't born with clothes on my back,
As I am sure that when you came out from your mother's pussy,

It was with polyester t-shirts stuck to your chest,
Since you don't subscribe to anything at best,

Unless they are natural too?

The complicated truth,
Is that millions of beautiful wonders,
Do not come from an earthly womb,
Humans weren't made to play the violin,
We were not conceived with ridges on our fingers,
To ease the act of pressing strings for a chord to mesmerize a room,
Yet we practice and practice until the shivering timbre of thunder
Emanate from orchestras not made of clouds,

But of  carved steel and timber,
Composed or asunder
Til we've become indifferent to the pain of pressing metal,
In the pursuit of creating all that is magical,
But yet, not natural.

But then, 

You judge me for being fake, a mockery of authenticity,
Yet you use money, of which there is no inherent value,
The papers only by legal boards, central banking Edict & Virtue,
Does it hold worth in currency,

But I am not the current, see?
Not the oceans smitten by arbitrary winds - those monsoon breeze,
I build ships,
Armadas that do not sprout from the ground,
But from the trembling exertions of my aching hips,
Nailed, boarded, and christened,
Because, oh God, how I am bound,
To sail away from all your bullshit,
Accusing me of lacking sincerity,
As if my empathy,
Is based upon the shades of my lip kit.

Dear preacher, canonized,
Sainted by the Church of Conformity,
Noisier than the Vatican, hailing from Twitter City

I have read your scriptures, even let them read me
(Empty souls longing for community),
And I know you have no regard for what is natural
(We are not beasts, not animals)
You simply want to starve us off of our sense of self,
And delude us with some illusion of absolutes you nicknamed "normal",
Like trying to resurrect the laws of the jungle,
Where scurrying packs fear the unknown,
Obliterate all that they label "not understandable"

Well I am erasing all of your tick boxes and that is final,
I am not etched in stone,

The next time you whisper to your friends,
"Oh how plastic", as if it is not used to make prosthetic,
For the veteran who lost his arms during the war,
Or for the acid victim's surgery, attacked for what she wore,
Remind yourself that we all have our artificiality, 

We adore,
In our own amazing way,
Whether it's the computer-generated artistry,
We relish in our cinemas today,
Or the human-made flying machinery,
We long for (especially during delays),
Or the dreams we tell ourselves we will achieve someday,
Even if left under dusty floorboards of a decaying yesterday.

Note to self, dear reader:
We are special because we exceed the impossible,

What is otherwise limited by laws or physical barriers,
We overcome repeatedly since time immemorial,

It's the humankind career,
This obsession over what is natural,
Is clinical,
And to every degenerate still whining about makeup,
Our minds are made up,
This is the beauty I chose you see,
And nature has got nothing on me.

Shallow

You've been framed,
But not in blame,
Just put into a painting,
Permanent smiles,
In fashion aisles,
With no thoughts for your failings

So beam me better,
With laser scanners,
Bar codes on my conscience ,
So tell me dearest,
What's my problem,
What's my primal function.


Let's stay up, I'll make it clear,
You've become my fondest fear,
But I'm telling you to leave my side,
I'm telling you I have no more sides

Chorus:,
I am shallow,
I am shallow,
I am shallow,
I am shallow,
I hide behind my poetry,
And pretend I'm quirky ,
But when it gets too hard,
To minds, I pay no mind,
Oh I've loved the common things we find,
But if I wanna fuck, I want the model kind.

Self-entitled,
bottom feeder,
Fancy yourself a leader,
Social justice,
Beauty fascist,
Desire cares for neither.

Is it the porn?
Or all the scorn?
You feel from expectations?
They give you planets,
Photo sunsets
But you keep falling for conventions


I'll make it clear,
That you make me smile and that's probably why I'm here,
But I'm telling you to leave my side
Cause I say this without a tinge of pride.

Chorus:



Aku mampu menulis beribu puisi,
Kenapa kau mahu yang lagi ayu,
Busuknya, hawa nafsu,
Aku,
Kamu.

Ego

Inilah manusia,
Asal bukan ideologi sendiri,
Orang lain dituduh terpedaya belaka.

Tak kisahlah mereka,
Yang tulis liberal di atas panji,
Mahupun mereka,
Yang guna agama untuk jual diri.

Perbualan tamat,
Pabila dituduh tali barut budaya Barat ,
Persidangan khalas,
Tatkala dipanggil penyembah setia ustaz

Nilai hujah diketepikan,
Persoalannya,
Penghujah itu belajar UK ke,
Asal Kelantan?

Inilah manusia,
Asal bukan kepercayaan sendiri,
Orang lain dikhuatiri sesat belaka.

Jarang sesekali bertanya,
"Kalau aku yang sesat bagaimana pula?"

Kan semua orang dah terasa?