The White Of It All

"And so the man called his wife and told her everything was alright"

After several trips down the well of confetti, I caught a sign that said my name.

GARY DESILLIA

It's been a while since anything self-related was publicized in deliberacy, doesn't matter if it's fountain pens or amplified humiliation.

It has also been a while since I've realized the coincidential fragmentations of words such as humiliation and humid to the acuteness of embarassment faced from urinating in public.

Self-awareness.

By The Man Who Is Everyone But Himself

Since I veered off of infancy I've always had a fascination with everything infront of me. Subsequently, I become fascinated with what in actuality does a person mean when they say 'I'.

Is there a puppeteer in our mind that makes up our individuality?
Or is everything a mere flow of atoms drifting through the myriad of particle arrangement trying to make sense of everything it touches?

I don't know about puppets but I know that when a boy of six plays with action figures that is modelled after an American in khaki's he doesn't analyze what's outside of it, but what is there to make from it.

Creating from the creation.

I think about God all the time, I believe everyone does, one way or another.

Since the discovery of chimpanzees, Englishmen have been trying to embrace what these hominids created by the laws of nature are proving to the structure of rationality and the ever popular slogan that goes along the lines of 'Being Human'.

A summary of the rediscovery of mankind divided into pre-chimpanzee research and post-ditto.

Humans are the only creatures who make and use tools
Wrong.
Humans are the only creatures who have the ability to pretend.
Wrong.
Humans are the only..

You know what, this was suppose to be a travel log of awkward degrees and abnormal resolutions, but it turned out to be a thesis, or an antithesis for that matter. Of awkard degrees and abnormal resolutions,yeah.

I don't know what I'm saying now. Or trying to say.

I don't believe in good or evil, I believe in what is necessary and what is not.

Deep inside everyone's like that, thinking who'll they grow up to be and how they'll find a way out of every single jigsaw puzzle that doesn't have a piece you understand but in turn it fits anyway.

It's just that spontaneity becomes a part of everything you chase for, premeditated or not.

I laugh to myself as I stumble upon and adult shop that advertised uniforms for the purpose of role-playing sex.

I don't know, really. Fantasizing about having relations with a nurse have the power of increasing the syahwats of a particular group of people, regardless of whether that nurse even has a medical degree or professional training from anywhere.

It's a simple pathetique, that the definition of nurse is overturned after the vagueness and absurdity of our 'imagination'

The mind is it's own place.

No better way to put it.

I remember my mother telling me a story of me crying for no particular reason when I was at the zoo during the age of 8.

"Probably it was the animals"
"Macam kena rasuk dengan jin"

Trying to remember how I was at that age, I remembered my interest in pan paniscuses then were more avid than it is today (or maybe it still is avid, after all, adolescence comes with the inclusive package of denial).

And I remembered asking if animals went to heaven.

I still look forward to looking at our biological relatives whenever I'm at the zoo.

But subconsciously, I don't.

Sometimes tears fall out of the crenellations of my mind, thinking how sad it was that one could look at a sunset and only seeing light refracting through the atmosphere.

The other sad thing is that I can't express this thoughts clearly.

Because after all I'm just another person.

Just like everyone else is another person.

I can't write anymore.

It's thoughts like these that makes you realize that there are worse things than sinning and death and hell and..

Thinking about it, I don't think there are worse things than anything.

And thus this declamatory ends with

"It makes a heaven out of hell and a hell out of everything"

And back to the panorama of sexual fantasies.

I had to laugh really.

I don't know why.
In the setting of the sun and the dimming of blazing light rays,
I know that the lions couldn't possibly be pretending .